This post was written on Thursday, February 11, 2010. You will be reading it on Monday, February 15th.
Today is not a good day.
3 days ago I reworked my website and I decided to put an update on our dog, Emma, on my sidebar. It just made me smile to see her picture on my blog. I also wrote how awesome she was doing.
I knew better than to say something like that out loud, let alone write it. You know with Murphy’s Law and all…
This morning she went in for her 5th treatment of chemo. Tyler called at 11:00 AM with some bad news from the doctors at the U of MN vet hospital.
They did a chest x-ray and the cancer has spread to her lungs. They recommend doing a stronger chemo for 2 times and then will do another chest x-ray. If it hasn’t gone away, all treatments will stop.
This is what I know:
- I know that Bone cancer is the most aggressive cancer in dogs.
- I know that every doctor has said that if it isn’t in their lungs, that is a blessing because once it gets into their lungs… well, you know. That is bad. 2-3 months? Maybe 4-6?
- I know that I had HOPE in the beginning and that HOPE proved right. She did awesome with 3 legs. She did awesome with the chemo and had no side effects.
- I know that this new chemo is stronger and can weaken her heart. I know that my HOPE is fading.
- I know that the inevitable is coming. If it is already in her lungs with the present chemo, it is not likely that it will go away.
- I know that even if it does go away, it will return. I don’t want to know it, but those are the facts.
She is just so happy. Everything was going so well. I just hope she makes it to the summer when we can all be outside and play and she can sit with us on the driveway while we endlessly color with chalk.
I was sad this morning. I didn’t think I let it show. I didn’t say anything but suddenly at lunch Sarah gave me an apple slice, a half eaten chip and her bunny rabbit.
“Mommy, don’t be sad. Here, this will make you feel bettah.” she said.
Then I lost it.
Luckily her nap time came, but I was still sad. I honestly just don’t have the hope this time around. It would be unrealistic. I know she is going to die, probably sooner than expected.
Maybe not – there is always that chance, and at least we have had these few short months of her being normal. She beat the odds before so maybe, just maybe.
I sat down at my computer and I read Mommy Wants Vodka’s latest post.
I laughed and laughed and laughed!!!! You simply MUST read it! Who knew that Butt Sex would make me smile?
I love her and if you have never read her before, please do. Thank you Aunt Becky, I needed that today!
Then I read some other blogs and comments that were left for me and I was so thankful and grateful for all of you.
You all are my friends. Thank you so much for your blog posts that I read every day. It has brought me so much endless joy.
I will post updates on Emma on my sidebar if you are interested. Today is Friday, February 12, and so far, so good – no side effects from the chemo yet! Here she is this morning happily chewing her bone.