The Wake Up Call


This is yet just another service that I provide without getting paid.


The Wake Up Call.


I only call one person – one person who really needs my service. My Mother. (Well, except for this morning, but we will get to that later.)


I have been providing this service for 2 years now.


You see, she has a real hard time waking up in the morning and she completely ignores her alarm to the point of waking up at 9:00 AM.


Uh Oh.


Knowing that I wake up at 5:15 every day and am fully alert by 5:30, she knew who to call to get the job done.


Moi.


Waking my Mother up is a delicate operation to say the least:


1. Have a calm and soothing voice. (Think phone sex operator.)
“Good Morning. It is time to get up now.”


I can’t be too perky. In the beginning I actually got fired for one week for being “too perky and awake.” Plus I may have let Emily do the call one day and she may have yelled into the phone.


Sorry Mom.


2. Place the call at exactly 7:30 AM
If I should get busy (who me?) with diaper changes, getting the girls ready, chores, feeding everyone, and place the call at 7:45 AM, she will tell me that I am late and not be happy about it. I am not kidding you.


3. It is up to me to decide if she needs more sleep.
Sometimes, if I know she is sick I will let her sleep in and call her at 8 or 8:30. A tricky situation, this is, because if she isn’t that sick, it is frowned upon. If she is really sick, it is welcomed.


4. Only place the call from the Home Phone Number, not the Cell Phone.
If she isn’t dead to the world and sees that I call from my cell, she immediately thinks there is a problem, and that someone is in the ER, hence using a cell phone. She wakes up agitated and we don’t want that.


5. Do not offer up any information other than the required “wake-up statement”
Meaning this is not the time to ask her for milk or sugar or tell her of any Breaking News of the World. Unless Brangelina should break up, that would be okay.


6. Listen closely to make sure she indeed wakes up.
If she simply grunts into the phone, I know I need to place another call 10 minutes later.


7. PAY ATTENTION IN GENERAL


This is the single most important rule to follow, but I admit, I do not always do it.


Especially this morning when I broke 2 rules and the conversation went like this:


Me: (Soothing voice) Good Morning it is time to wake up. I know it is 7:00 AM but Emily has Singers today and needs to get to school early.


Person on the Phone: (Giggling) What?


Me: (Sigh, not so soothing voice.) Mother. It is time to wake-up. I am calling you early today because Emily has Singers.


Person on the Phone (giggling non-stop)


(This is when I should have paid attention as my mom does not giggle.)


Me: (large eye roll, deep sigh) It is 7:00 AM. You need to get up early. I am sorry I forgot to tell you.


Person on the Phone: Who is this? (giggling)


(Now I am paying attention.)


Me: No. No. I am so sorry. I must have the wrong number. Bye.


Person on the Phone: Oh that’s okay – this is the best call I have had ever! Thanks!

Well, now I am just dying. I get off of the phone and then redial my mother. Carefully this time.


I am in a fit of laughter coupled with humiliation and I have forgotten all about the soothing voice. It is like what I would sound like if we won the lottery.


Me: OMG MOM! YOU HAVE GOT TO WAKE UP!  YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT HAS HAPPENED!! I WOKE UP THE WRONG PERSON!


Mom: What in the hell are you talking about? Do you know what time it is?


Now that is my mother. No giggling whatsoever.


I should have paid attention the first time.

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